Marital Unity

“Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (D&C 38:27)

What does it mean to “be one”?

Richard B. Miller taught, “Parents must be united in their leadership. It is important that parents work together in their leadership in the family. Sometimes a parent forms a coalition with a child against the other parent. Although usually unspoken, a parent undermines the other parent. It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children. If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an “executive session” without the children present. Children often try to play their parents off of each other. Consequently, it is important that parents make sure that they are working together and making decisions that are consistent with each other.” (pg. 2)

There can be many things that parents can differ on in their ideas. Discipline can be of them and even though it is one of the most important aspects that parents need to be united in, if they are not united it can cause much discord in marriages and families. For example, it one parent says it is okay for a child to do something and the other parent says it is not okay. I have an uncle that told his son he could not get his ear pierced. The next day his wife took their son and got his ear pierced. They disagreed as equal partners and instead of discussing the issue among themselves and coming to a solution, one partner defied the other partners will. Needless to say, their children all suffered from the lack of unity in the way they disciplined their children. My uncle and aunt eventually learned how to communicate better and supported each other and learned to become one in their parenting.

President Joseph F. Smith counselled, “Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect. The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children… The wife, also, should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic. She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him… Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home” (pg. 283–284).

President Spencer W. Kimball shared, “Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him” (pp. 340, 341).

Learning to become one takes effort, desire and communication in a marriage. It may mean stripping ourselves of pride, our own agendas and listening to our marriage partners views. Learning how to listen and compromise can be key in becoming one. Children need parents to be on the same page, to be firm in their ideals and discipline. Marriages and families will function greater when unity is realized in marriages. 

Think about your own marriage and areas that you need to be "one" in with your partner. Make an effort today to reach out, discuss and determine what changes need to be made so your family can function as a stronger, healthier unit.

References:

Kimball, Edward L. and Kimball, Spencer W. The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball. Deseret Book Company. 1982

Miller, Richard B. Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families. BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University. 2009

Smith, Joseph F. Gospel Doctrine. Deseret Book Company. 2002

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Marital Stewardship

 

What does marital stewardship look like in your marriage?

When people marry, they make covenants, vows, and promises to each other until “death do they part” or for all eternity. With these promises come responsibilities, commitments, and obligations to each other. Stewardship is about taking care of those responsibilities and commitments you made to your spouse. It is about fulfilling the promises that were made to each other. 

There are many areas of stewardship in marriage, but I will address two.

First, is the stewardship to love, honor and cherish one another. No one, or nothing else, should come between us. This includes people, things, careers, hobbies etc. “Neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.” (Kimball, 250)

Our love is to be for our spouses. We need to make sure that our hearts, emotionally, spiritually and physically are turned toward are spouse.

Here is a set of questions you can ask yourself to help understand what emotional fidelity in marriage looks like and to see where it could be easy to veer off onto forbidden paths that that lead away from your spouse: (Matheson, 13-16)

1.      “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”

2.      “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”

3.      “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”

4.      “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”

5.      “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”

6.      “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”

7.      “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”

8.      “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

If you answered yes to any of those questions, it is important to turn your heart completely back to your spouse and drop the “friend” who is keeping you from fulfilling your stewardship role in your marriage. It is important that there is honesty in our relationships, and that we take time to evaluate the areas we need to improve in. Having open and honest conversations with our spouse can help us overcome challenges and ensure happiness in our marriages.
                           

Second, is sexual fulfillment in marriage. President Spencer W. Kimball shared that “Divorces often occur over sex…If you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find that there are [many] reasons. Generally, sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in the court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason.” (329)

Why is this? One author has suggested that ignorance is the cause. He states, “A failure to understand your own body, your partner's responses, and the essential ingredients of a healthy sexual relationship quickly becomes a failure to find sexual satisfaction as a married couple. Problems in this area of a marriage relationship can severely impact couple communication and caring, and leads often to insecurity, anxiety, frustration, anger, emotional alienation, and even divorce.” (Brotherson, 3)

To be a good steward over your sexual fulfillment might mean each spouse takes responsibility to learn about their partners sexual needs, to communicate better with each other and to learn how to better meet each needs and desires. Gottman recounts in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: “So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are … indirect, imprecise, inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to end the conversation, hopeful that they will miraculously understand each other's desires without much talk … The problem is that the less clear you are about what you do and don't want, the less likely you are to get it. Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other and deepen your sense of intimacy. But when communication is fraught with tension, then frustration and hurt feelings too often result” (200-201). So, make conversations about sex direct, open, light, fun and informative. Make sure you are clear on what your partner needs from you and what you need from your partner.

To conclude sexual stewardship in marriage, “Think about your sexual relationship and how you have willingly improved or enhanced its quality as a marital steward, or whether you have avoided and ignored this aspect of your marital stewardship. What would you say if the Lord asked you to account for your efforts in this area? Have you been kind? Have you sought greater light and knowledge? Have you exercised patience and encouragement? Have you pursued answers in faith? These are all characteristics of a wise and caring steward. It may be helpful to write out your thoughts about your shared sexual stewardship in marriage.” (Brotherson, 6)

Marital stewardship can help couples turn their hearts toward each other and keep them there. Take care of each other, love and cherish each other and have fun together learning how to strengthen your love and fulfill each other in all ways.

References:

Brotherson, S.E. Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage.  Meridian Magazine. 2003.

Kimball, S. W. The Miracle of Forgiveness. Salt Lake City: Bookcraft. 1969.

Kimball, S. W. and Kimball, E. L. The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball. Deseret Company. 1982.

Matheson, K.W. Fidelity in marriage: It's more than you think. Ensign, Sept. 2009.

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6-Hours a Week to a Happier Marriage

The Magic Six Hours as shown in the diagram below, is a formula that Gottman developed from years of watching couples in his marriage studio. Following up on those same marriages years later, he made the discovery that the marriages who devoted at least 6 hours a week to doing the following, helped to manage stress and conflict in their marriages because they learned how to work together as a team.

What you do when you part for the day, see each other at the end of a day, how you offer appreciation and admiration for each, how you show affection for each other, how you communicate to each other, and spend time together on date nights, are things you can work on as couple every day/week to bring more harmony, love, appreciation, emotional closeness and fulfillment in your marriage. It only takes 6 hours a week! The six hours are even broken down for you in the above chart! We can all find 6 hours a week to create amazing relationships with our partners. For example, in my own marriage, my husband and I always send each other off with a hug and a kiss, receive each other after work with another hug and kiss and we use this as a check in with each other. We tell each other what we admire, appreciate and are grateful for each day. This keeps affection in our marriage alive and well. We make every Friday night our date night and we connect on an emotional level during our time together. It really is a simple 6 hours a week to a happier marriage!

H. Wallace Goddard’s approach to a healthy, happy marriage from his book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” is to always show love and kindness towards your spouse. He shares a quote from Marvin J. Ashton, who explains this principle well: "Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down." (Goddard 116)

Goddard talks a lot about having charity in our marriages. So, what does it look like in marriage? He shares that “Rather than re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weaknesses with our charity! God is serious about cultivating our charity. Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity. There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.”  (Goddard 126) 

A key to having charity in our marriages is our hearts. What shape are our hearts towards our spouse? Are we forgiving, kind, tolerant, and lovable, or critical, demanding, resentful and annoyed? Goddard continues by saying, “We should enjoy and appreciate our partners. We should forgive them of their humanness. The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners' characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!” (Goddard 127) We need to be “…moving from frustration and judgment to appreciation and love-to charity…” (Goddard 129)

We do this by looking for “good qualities and kind deeds” that our partner demonstrates. If we are only looking their imperfections, we lose sight of their goodness. He states, “Notice the good. Appreciate it.” (Goddard 130)

I would add to his statement the importance to focus on and share verbally, the things you appreciate and admire about your spouse, just like Gottman’s chart above encourages us to do.

Goddard shares that if we are struggling to have charity, which is unconditional love for our spouse, we need to “Pray with all the energy of heart for charity. Make it the desire of your heart.  According to the scriptures, we love Him because He first loved us (1 John 4: 19). The same can apply to marriage. Our partners will love us because we first love them. Love first. Don't wait to be loved. “(Goddard 130) Charity is the pure love of Christ and when we can love Jesus Christ, we can learn to love others too.

One last thought about charity and how it relates to marriages by Jimmy Townsend, who joked that "marriage teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, meekness and a great many other things you wouldn't need if you had stayed single. We need those qualities whether married or single, but marriage is God's finishing school for the godly soul. Marriage is ordained to stretch and refine us.” (Goddard 133-134)

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

H.W. Goddard. (2009). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Photo Credit: https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-hours-a-week-to-a-better-relationship/

A Consecrated Marriage

In the book, “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage”, H. Wallace Goddard shares


“In the early years of marriage, most of us are bothered by little habits and eccentricities in our partners. These things may not be wrong or bad, they are just different from our experience and preference. They can become a major irritation. As we become more spiritually mature, we are more likely to enjoy our partner as a total package” (p. 111).


In my post today I want to discuss how we can become more “spiritually mature” and set aside complaints against our partners and give our whole heart to them. This can be a difficult thing to do and it requires unconditional love, “basic acceptance of your partners’ personality and perspective” and making sure your “partner feels known and respected” (Gottman p.157). Another important key in making a happy life together is to “uncover and share with each other the significant personal dreams you have for your life (Gottman p. 141). To do this we need to ask this question, “what sacrifices are you willing to bring to the altar of your relationship?” (Goddard p. 111)


Abraham was willing to sacrifice his only son because the Lord required it of him. What are we willing to sacrifice? What does the Lord require of us in our marriage covenant?


Let’s talk about consecration and how it relates to the marriage covenant. Consecration is making something sacred. So, when we consecrate our marriages, we are making them sacred. This requires devotion and dedication to the Lord and to our marriage covenant. In essence, devoting and dedicating our lives to each other. Gottman, in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” states, “For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments…when you forgive your spouse, you both benefit. Bitterness is a heavy burden” (p. 159). Overlooking our spouse’s weaknesses and forgiving easily helps couples focus on helping each other in our journey here on earth to become better, more Christlike and charitable. Forgiveness shows acceptance, love and encouragement in relationships. We come from differing backgrounds before we marry and learning how to accept each others personality and perspective is allowing for growth in a marriage. We can learn how to accept influence from each other which leads to greater respect and devotion toward each other.


Some questions we can ask ourselves are:


“Do we bring our greatest generosity and richest forgiving to our marriages?”


“Do we offer our whole souls and our best efforts as an offering?”


“Do our partnerships get half-hearted, occasional efforts? “


“Our marriages are ideal places to practice the law of consecration.” (Goddard p. 108)


“Just as Isaac was willing to give his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, so we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls. (Goddard 103).


Remember “We are to lead our families by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness, kindness, and meekness, and by love unfeigned” (see D&C 121:41–42) which means we need to give our best efforts to making our marriages sacred.


I have a challenge to extend: (Goddard p. 111)
Can you for a whole month show only kindness, appreciation and admiration toward your spouse?
Can you leave out criticism, complaining and disappointments?
Can you focus only on the good intentions and best efforts of your spouse?


When you do this, you will becoming more spiritually mature as you learn to consecrate your best efforts toward building your marriage into the beautiful covenant marriage it was meant to be.



References


Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing


Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books


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