Genesis 327 2:24: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife."
What does cleave mean? Dictionary.com defines cleave as: “to adhere closely; stick; cling to, to remain faithful to”. In essence, to cleave to one’s spouse is to be faithful, steadfast, and devoted to them. (Harper pg. 1)
“President Kimball identified some important points regarding family relationships. First, married children should confide in and counsel with their spouses. Second, if possible, they should establish their own household, separate from their parents. Finally, any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.” (Harper pg. 2) Here we learn that once couples marry, they become their own family unit, one that counsels and establishes their life together, and separate from their parents.
“One of the great gifts parents-in-law can give to their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple.” (Harper pg. 3)
This is done by making sure that parents are not enmeshed with their married children. “Enmeshment describes a process in which parents and children feel they always have to be together; to not be so is considered a personal affront. When enmeshment exists, it is difficult for family members to separate feelings, and loyalty issues are distorted. If a married child can't attend a family event, he feels like he is offending his parents, and his parents will be personally hurt.” (Harper pg. 4) This is enmeshment. Married children should not feel obligated to attend all extended family gatherings. They need to focus on their own new family unit and set their own boundaries and priorities, which should be each other, not their extended families.
On the other hand, it is okay to have closeness with your married children as it is different than enmeshment. Closeness is where parents understand that “married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present. These children, in turn, have a sense of their parents' own security so they don't have to always be near them to take care of them emotionally.” (Harper pg. 4)
There is another problem that parents can create with the relationship with their married children called triangulation. This is where parents have a stronger relationship with their married child but not their married child’s spouse. Parents who are too involved in their married children’s matters, create problems in their married children’s marriages. “Parents should encourage children to discuss matters with their spouses.” (Harper pg. 5)
On the other hand, “Parents who can work toward inclusion of a new son- or daughter-in-law and who show increased love and support have the best relationships with their married children and more influence in the lives of their grandchildren”. (Harper pg. 5-6) All grandparents want to have influence and time with their grandchildren, so remember that inclusion with your son or daughter in law is what needs to happen in order for this to be realized.
There are five things that every parent-in-law should avoid in their relationships. (Harper pg. 9)
- giving advice
- pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event
- criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren
- trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs
- unclear and indirect communication
One last thing to think about how important cleaving to one’s spouse really is:
“The idea that good marriages are "found" is too prevalent in society. Rather, strong marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married and by what parents and siblings on both sides do to help support them. (Harper pg. 6)
Are you cleaving to your spouse? What are some changes you can make to show you have left your parents and are cleaving to your spouse? What things do you need to tell your parents and in laws that can help the cleaving process more successful in your marriage?
References:
Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families."
