Where is Pride in our Relationsips

How is pride detrimental to relationships, especially in marriage? This is a question I want to explore today. In the following quote, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves .....we discover that it is a hard thing to recognize pride in our own hearts. Perhaps it is the nature of man to strain to see the mote in our brother’s eye while struggling to squinting past the beam in our own eye. (see Matt. 7:3-5). Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride (Benson) and we can see how pride affects relationships because it is based on selfishness and it is all about me and not all about us. What does pride look like in marriage? Here are some things to think about and evaluate in our own relationships: (Goddard)

• Thinking your partner needs to be fixed because they are flawed in some way
• Focusing on our own needs and making our needs the priority in our marriage
• When we are “feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse” (p. 69)
• Thinking everyone else needs to change
• When you view marriage as only being a relationship that should bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction, and fulfillment to yourself
• When we have our own vision of truth and imagine that no one else can see this truth as clearly as we can
• When we feel we know our partners better than they know themselves
• When we are always innocent, and they are always guilty
• When we analyze and study past experiences looking for ways we were violated
• When “we continue to grieve over our injuries and rehearse our opponents' offences” (p. 74)
• Feeling there is no way to fix your marriage
• Going through “cycles of correction and paybacks” p. (78)
• Allowing concerns and irritations to turn into judgments
• When we leave no allowances for our partner
• When we have “narrow, trivial, superficial demands” that our partner should look, act and be what media says they should be (p. 82)

So, what do we do to rid pride from our relationships? President Benson has reminded us that “God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble.” (Benson)

He goes on to say, “Let us choose to be humble.” He gives us nine ways we can be humble:

1. We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are.
2. We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement.
3. We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us.
4. We can choose to humble ourselves by rendering selfless service.
5. We can choose to humble ourselves by going on missions and preaching the word that can humble others.
6. We can choose to humble ourselves by getting to the temple more frequently.
7. We can choose to humble ourselves by confessing and forsaking our sins and being born of God.
8. We can choose to humble ourselves by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives.
9. We must yield “to the enticing’s of the Holy Spirit,” put off the prideful “natural man,” become “a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord,” and become “as a child, submissive, meek, humble.”

By doing these things we can see our own flaws and start working on our own problems and leave our partners problems alone. When we work on fixing ourselves, we become humbler, more able to see our partners for who they really are, the person we fell in love with. Humility helps us love deeper, give more and expect less. We become grateful for our spouse and appreciate all they are and how they love us back. It gives us the ability to love deeper and to find more fulfillment in our relationships. It helps us realize the changes we need to make in ourselves and allows us to move forward in a happier way. I hope we can all focus on being humble, forgiving, more loving and grateful for our partners.

References

Benson, Ezra T. Beware Of Pride. Ensign, May 1989.

Goddard, H. W. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. (2009). Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Photo Credit 1: https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/AcNrO2da1yvk5bzI4NAMoIEhLKvMGy0i0YBotyftsEJsTTjVJCw2lcI/ (Links to an external site.)

Photo Credit 2: https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/404620347745089237/ (Links to an external site.)

Photo Credit 3: https://www.pinterest.cl/pin/403775922820698009/

Making Bids In Marriage

Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

In marriages, couples are constantly making what Gottman calls “bids” for each other’s “attention, affection, humor, or support” (p 88). Bids are an attempt from one partner to another for a positive connection. They can be as simple as a smile, a touch, or asking for help or advice.

A couple examples of bids could be things like waking up with your spouse and rolling over to snuggle up to them, sharing how much you love waking up beside them every morning. Or it could be when you spouse asks you if you would like to go a walk with them. The way you answer the bid is by turning toward your spouse or turning away from them. In turning toward your spouse with the first example of waking up next to them, you could answer your spouse by pulling them in close and responding with words of affection. 

Turning away would look like quickly getting out of bed and not acknowledging the bid that was given to you because you are in a hurry to get a start to the day. Turning toward your spouse is an intentional act. Turning away can seem intentional, but most of the time the bid given is not understood or acknowledged. The goal is to be in tune with your spouse and watch for the bids and turn towards them. 

Couples who turn toward each other are connecting and attuning to each other which builds mutual trust in their relationship (Gottman 87) Gottman shares, “A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life… Real-life romance is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued…everyday” (p 88).

Some examples of things couples can do to turn toward their spouses are: (ideas taken from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-turn-towards-instead-of-away/ )

•  You are reading the paper over breakfast and your partner makes a passing comment about a meeting they have at work that day. Follow up on what they said (put down that paper!) and give them your attention for a minute.
• You are walking together, and you see that your partner looks cold. Stop into the nearest coffee shop and get them a warm beverage!
• Your partner is leaving to go somewhere. Tell them to come see you before they go. When they come to see you, give them a six-second kiss.
• You see that your partner looks stressed. Let them know you’ve noticed and ask them if they’d like to talk about what they are feeling.
• Your partner sends you a text message about something, anything. Send them one back that lets them know how irresistible they are to you.
• Compliment your partner about something they did. Compliment your partner about their appearance. Thank them for something they’ve recently done that you appreciate.
• Your partner is back from their errand and is doing some housework. Without saying a word, join in and start helping them.
• Your partner tells you that they are getting hungry. You tell them that you are too, and that you are going to take them out for dinner.
• Your partner and you are talking after dinner, and they say how much they miss going out and dancing like you used to back in the day. Agree and recommend that you go out right now and dance.
• Your partner is looking tired, but you are still having fun. You know that they have to be up early tomorrow to prepare for a meeting. Recommend that you go home so that they can get some rest.
• You are in the bedroom and things are getting hot. Light some candles and tell them that you want to re-discover their body for an hour.

Think of some of your own ideas for bids that are applicable to your relationship with your spouse. Along with giving bids, make sure to pay attention to the bids that you are given, as there is always an underlying message behind each bid that is given. Remember to turn toward your spouse! Your relationship will be filled with greater love, happiness, and intimacy.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

Photo Credit 1: https://twitter.com/gottmaninst/status/684794552746561538

Cherishing Your Spouse

 “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partners personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.” (Gottman p.69)

What does it mean to be fond of someone or even admire them? Well, many dictionaries define fondness as liking someone, preferring them, you love them, and you have a warm affection for them. When you have admiration for someone, you honor and respect them. You look up to them, you approve of them, and you appreciate them.

Gottman suggests three things couples can do to enhance their fondness and admiration for each other. The first step is to start sharing appreciations for your spouse. You can start by making a list of all the things you appreciate about them and then start sharing them with your spouse. A few examples from Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, are: “Thanks for making dinner, it was delicious” or “I really appreciate you being so affectionate lately” or “Thanks for working so hard for our family” are all great things to say to your spouse to show you appreciate them (pg. 75). What appreciations can you share with your spouse today? Try setting a goal of giving at least one appreciation every day to your spouse.

The second thing is to talk about is “Your history and philosophy of your relationship”. This is done by talking about how the two of you met, what your first impressions of each were and talk about the positive memories of your wedding and first year of marriage. Talk about moments in your marriage that stand out the most to you, good and bad and why. (pg. 77-78) 

You will need some time together to really reminisce and remember the reason you got married in the first place. This is a great way to recharge your relationship and help foster fondness and admiration for each other.

The third thing is to cherish your partner. 

“Cherishing is a habit of mind in which, when you are separated during the course of the day, you maximize thoughts of your partner’s positive qualities and minimize thoughts of negative ones. This active focusing on your partner’s merits allows you to nurture gratefulness for what you have instead of resenting what is missing. Many couples do not realize they are neglecting to cherish each other.” (Gottman p. 78-79)

Gottman shares to make a list of at least ten qualities that your partner has and then say to yourself, “I am really lucky to be with my partner!” (pg. 79).  Things on your list may be things like “they are ambitious, brave, cheerful, creative, disciplined, friendly, honorable, kind, loving, loyal, patient, positive, quiet, resourceful, sincere, supportive, wise, and witty”. Only put positive qualities on your list. Once you have made your list you can write your spouse a love note telling them how much you cherish these qualities that they possess and how much it has blessed your life. You could even read it aloud to your spouse to make a romantic evening. (pg. 49-50)

If you and your spouse put these three things into practice you will find the quality of your relationship improve and your marriage will be greatly strengthened. Gottman suggests focusing on these three things for seven weeks so they become a natural part of your relationship, a more positive and healthy one.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

First Photo Credit: https://staymarriedblog.com/71-ways-to-express-your-love-when-youre-not-shakespeare/

Second Photo Credit: http://whatthebuzz.net/these-one-line-love-stories-that-will-definitely-melt-your-heart/

Third Photo Credit: http://www.hotmarriage.org/developing-the-habit-of-cherishing-your-spouse/

Your Best Friend

Who is your best friend? If you are married, did you automatically think of your spouse? Why or why not?

John Gottman, in his Book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” shared, “whatever the current state of your marriage, it will benefit enormously if you support, reinvigorate, or if necessary, resuscitate your friendship” (page 52). Why is friendship so important in marriage relationships?

Gottman states, “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship” meaning that couples have “a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company” and “they know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out” (page 21).

Friendship should be the foundation of love. It fuels the “flames of romance” because friendship protects against negative feelings towards each other and helps couples “feel optimistic about each other and their marriage…have positive expectations about their lives together…and to give each other the benefit of the doubt” (page 22).

My husband is definitely my best friend and I love spending time together with him. We enjoy different activities, but because we love spending time together, we have learned to compromise and do things we might not naturally enjoy otherwise. Take for example my husband’s love of backpacking. He loves it when I make an effort to go with him on backpacking trips, even though I don’t enjoy having a pack on my back or sleeping on a ground mat in a tent, I do love the time we have to ourselves and being in the great outdoors. He in turn does thing with me that I love doing. Friendship fuels our love and passion because of the intimate emotional connections we make with each other everyday. If your marriage is lacking in passion and intimacy, try working on your friendship and start rebuilding your emotional connection and you will see a mutual love, respect and passion rekindle in your marriage.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

Photo Credit 1: https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/166211042472392041/?lp=true

Photo Credit 2: https://www.vectorstock.com/royalty-free-vector/grandparents-love-relationship-cartoon-vector-22450880

Contract verse Covenant Marriage

I have been watching a few marriages around me start to crumble…As I have been contemplating commitment in marriage, I thought about what Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy shared. He said, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent. Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will”. I love this explanation and I can see how marriages differ according to their level of commitment to each other.

Elder Hafen gives an example from the scriptures of the difference between the two in the story where “Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.”  Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other.” (Hafen) Isn’t this an amazing thought. What do we do when troubles come into our marriage? Do we “lay our lives down” for the other person or do we “leaveth” our spouse because we do not care about them or our families? Sometimes a partner needs to leave the marriage due to very serious things, but generally speaking, we can do a better job of taking care of each other and our marriages and families.

There are three wolves that can bring trouble in marriage. “The first wolf is natural adversity.” (Hafen) This can be things like not being able to have children, illness or disability of a partner, or things that happen that were not expected in life. The second wolf is the imperfections of each spouse that will test them. Some examples of this is would be things like weaknesses, addictions, selfishness and attitudes. The third wolf is “the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes” (Hafen). Attitudes like selfishness, not belonging to anyone, and doing it all on your own without thought of the other person would be considered aspects of excessive individualism because it is a self-centered focus instead of an outward focus on others. This comes from fear of rejection and not wanting to be hurt by anyone, so we build a wall around ourselves and protect ourselves by not letting anyone inside. This keeps us inside too, where we can’t help ourselves or others.

A contractual marriage will seek a way out of a marriage when these wolves show up because it is not easy to deal with. A covenant marriage will seek to work through challenges and help each other through trials and weaknesses. When two people marry, it should no longer be about two individuals making their way in life separately, it should become two individuals becoming one and making their life together, meeting challenges together, no matter what troubles may come their way. 

In summary, remember:

References

Hafen, Bruce C. “Covenant Marriage”. Ensign. Nov 1996. P. 26

Image credit 1: https://i.pinimg.com/736x/60/fb/76/60fb7630ad25f504700deca78e25b97c--covenant-marriage-biblical-marriage.jpg

Image credit 2: https://image1.slideserve.com/2951028/a-contract-vs-a-covenant-n.jpg