Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
In marriages, couples are constantly making what Gottman calls “bids”
for each other’s “attention, affection, humor, or support” (p 88). Bids are an
attempt from one partner to another for a positive connection. They can be as
simple as a smile, a touch, or asking for help or advice.
A couple examples of bids could be things like waking up with your
spouse and rolling over to snuggle up to them, sharing how much you love waking
up beside them every morning. Or it could be when you spouse asks you if you
would like to go a walk with them. The way you answer the bid is by turning
toward your spouse or turning away from them. In turning toward your spouse
with the first example of waking up next to them, you could answer your spouse
by pulling them in close and responding with words of affection.
Turning away
would look like quickly getting out of bed and not acknowledging the bid that
was given to you because you are in a hurry to get a start to the day. Turning
toward your spouse is an intentional act. Turning away can seem intentional,
but most of the time the bid given is not understood or acknowledged. The goal
is to be in tune with your spouse and watch for the bids and turn towards them.
Couples who turn toward each other are connecting and attuning to
each other which builds mutual trust in their relationship (Gottman 87) Gottman
shares, “A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust,
emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life… Real-life romance is
kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued…everyday” (p
88).
Some examples of things couples can do to turn toward their spouses
are: (ideas taken from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-turn-towards-instead-of-away/ )
- You are reading the paper over breakfast and your partner
makes a passing comment about a meeting they have at work that day. Follow up
on what they said (put down that paper!) and give them your attention for a
minute.
- You are walking together, and you see that your partner
looks cold. Stop into the nearest coffee shop and get them a warm beverage!
- Your partner is leaving to go somewhere. Tell them to
come see you before they go. When they come to see you, give them a six-second
kiss.
- You see that your partner looks stressed. Let them know
you’ve noticed and ask them if they’d like to talk about what they are feeling.
- Your partner sends you a text message about something,
anything. Send them one back that lets them know how irresistible they are to
you.
- Compliment your partner about something they did.
Compliment your partner about their appearance. Thank them for something
they’ve recently done that you appreciate.
- Your partner is back from their errand and is doing some
housework. Without saying a word, join in and start helping them.
- Your partner tells you that they are getting hungry. You
tell them that you are too, and that you are going to take them out for dinner.
- Your partner and you are talking after dinner, and they
say how much they miss going out and dancing like you used to back in the day.
Agree and recommend that you go out right now and dance.
- Your partner is looking tired, but you are still having
fun. You know that they have to be up early tomorrow to prepare for a meeting.
Recommend that you go home so that they can get some rest.
- You are in the bedroom and things are getting hot. Light
some candles and tell them that you want to re-discover their body for an hour.
Think of some of your own ideas for bids that are applicable to your
relationship with your spouse. Along with giving bids, make sure to pay
attention to the bids that you are given, as there is always an underlying
message behind each bid that is given. Remember to turn toward your spouse!
Your relationship will be filled with greater love, happiness, and intimacy.
References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven
principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.
Photo Credit 1: https://twitter.com/gottmaninst/status/684794552746561538
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