I have been watching a few marriages around me start to crumble…As
I have been contemplating commitment in marriage, I thought about what Elder
Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy shared. He said, “When troubles come, the parties
to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain
benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained
for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work
them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other,
to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent;
covenant companions each give 100 percent. Marriage is by nature a covenant,
not just a private contract one may cancel at will”. I love this explanation
and I can see how marriages differ according to their level of commitment to
each other.
Elder Hafen gives an example from the scriptures of the
difference between the two in the story where “Jesus taught about contractual
attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional
promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling
“seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he …
careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd,
… and I lay down my life for the sheep.”
Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they
flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away
from their children and from each other.” (Hafen) Isn’t this an amazing thought.
What do we do when troubles come into our marriage? Do we “lay our lives down”
for the other person or do we “leaveth” our spouse because we do not care about
them or our families? Sometimes a partner needs to leave the marriage due to
very serious things, but generally speaking, we can do a better job of taking
care of each other and our marriages and families.
There are three wolves that can bring trouble in marriage.
“The first wolf is natural adversity.” (Hafen) This can be things like not
being able to have children, illness or disability of a partner, or things that
happen that were not expected in life. The second wolf is the imperfections of
each spouse that will test them. Some examples of this is would be things like
weaknesses, addictions, selfishness and attitudes. The third wolf is “the
excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes”
(Hafen). Attitudes like selfishness, not belonging to anyone, and doing it all
on your own without thought of the other person would be considered aspects of excessive
individualism because it is a self-centered focus instead of an outward focus
on others. This comes from fear of rejection and not wanting to be hurt by
anyone, so we build a wall around ourselves and protect ourselves by not
letting anyone inside. This keeps us inside too, where we can’t help ourselves
or others.
A contractual marriage will seek a way out of a marriage
when these wolves show up because it is not easy to deal with. A covenant
marriage will seek to work through challenges and help each other through
trials and weaknesses. When two people marry, it should no longer be about two
individuals making their way in life separately, it should become two
individuals becoming one and making their life together, meeting challenges
together, no matter what troubles may come their way.
In summary, remember:
References
Hafen, Bruce C. “Covenant Marriage”. Ensign. Nov 1996. P. 26
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