Cherishing Your Spouse

 “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partners personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.” (Gottman p.69)

What does it mean to be fond of someone or even admire them? Well, many dictionaries define fondness as liking someone, preferring them, you love them, and you have a warm affection for them. When you have admiration for someone, you honor and respect them. You look up to them, you approve of them, and you appreciate them.

Gottman suggests three things couples can do to enhance their fondness and admiration for each other. The first step is to start sharing appreciations for your spouse. You can start by making a list of all the things you appreciate about them and then start sharing them with your spouse. A few examples from Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, are: “Thanks for making dinner, it was delicious” or “I really appreciate you being so affectionate lately” or “Thanks for working so hard for our family” are all great things to say to your spouse to show you appreciate them (pg. 75). What appreciations can you share with your spouse today? Try setting a goal of giving at least one appreciation every day to your spouse.

The second thing is to talk about is “Your history and philosophy of your relationship”. This is done by talking about how the two of you met, what your first impressions of each were and talk about the positive memories of your wedding and first year of marriage. Talk about moments in your marriage that stand out the most to you, good and bad and why. (pg. 77-78) 

You will need some time together to really reminisce and remember the reason you got married in the first place. This is a great way to recharge your relationship and help foster fondness and admiration for each other.

The third thing is to cherish your partner. 

“Cherishing is a habit of mind in which, when you are separated during the course of the day, you maximize thoughts of your partner’s positive qualities and minimize thoughts of negative ones. This active focusing on your partner’s merits allows you to nurture gratefulness for what you have instead of resenting what is missing. Many couples do not realize they are neglecting to cherish each other.” (Gottman p. 78-79)

Gottman shares to make a list of at least ten qualities that your partner has and then say to yourself, “I am really lucky to be with my partner!” (pg. 79).  Things on your list may be things like “they are ambitious, brave, cheerful, creative, disciplined, friendly, honorable, kind, loving, loyal, patient, positive, quiet, resourceful, sincere, supportive, wise, and witty”. Only put positive qualities on your list. Once you have made your list you can write your spouse a love note telling them how much you cherish these qualities that they possess and how much it has blessed your life. You could even read it aloud to your spouse to make a romantic evening. (pg. 49-50)

If you and your spouse put these three things into practice you will find the quality of your relationship improve and your marriage will be greatly strengthened. Gottman suggests focusing on these three things for seven weeks so they become a natural part of your relationship, a more positive and healthy one.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

First Photo Credit: https://staymarriedblog.com/71-ways-to-express-your-love-when-youre-not-shakespeare/

Second Photo Credit: http://whatthebuzz.net/these-one-line-love-stories-that-will-definitely-melt-your-heart/

Third Photo Credit: http://www.hotmarriage.org/developing-the-habit-of-cherishing-your-spouse/