Marital Cleaving

Genesis 327 2:24: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife."

What does cleave mean? Dictionary.com defines cleave as: “to adhere closely; stick; cling to, to remain faithful to”. In essence, to cleave to one’s spouse is to be faithful, steadfast, and devoted to them. (Harper pg. 1)

“President Kimball identified some important points regarding family relationships. First, married children should confide in and counsel with their spouses. Second, if possible, they should establish their own household, separate from their parents. Finally, any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.” (Harper pg. 2) Here we learn that once couples marry, they become their own family unit, one that counsels and establishes their life together, and separate from their parents.

“One of the great gifts parents-in-law can give to their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple.” (Harper pg. 3)

This is done by making sure that parents are not enmeshed with their married children. “Enmeshment describes a process in which parents and children feel they always have to be together; to not be so is considered a personal affront. When enmeshment exists, it is difficult for family members to separate feelings, and loyalty issues are distorted. If a married child can't attend a family event, he feels like he is offending his parents, and his parents will be personally hurt.” (Harper pg. 4) This is enmeshment. Married children should not feel obligated to attend all extended family gatherings. They need to focus on their own new family unit and set their own boundaries and priorities, which should be each other, not their extended families.

On the other hand, it is okay to have closeness with your married children as it is different than enmeshment. Closeness is where parents understand that “married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present. These children, in turn, have a sense of their parents' own security so they don't have to always be near them to take care of them emotionally.” (Harper pg. 4)

There is another problem that parents can create with the relationship with their married children called triangulation. This is where parents have a stronger relationship with their married child but not their married child’s spouse. Parents who are too involved in their married children’s matters, create problems in their married children’s marriages. “Parents should encourage children to discuss matters with their spouses.” (Harper pg. 5)

On the other hand, “Parents who can work toward inclusion of a new son- or daughter-in-law and who show increased love and support have the best relationships with their married children and more influence in the lives of their grandchildren”. (Harper pg. 5-6) All grandparents want to have influence and time with their grandchildren, so remember that inclusion with your son or daughter in law is what needs to happen in order for this to be realized.

There are five things that every parent-in-law should avoid in their relationships. (Harper pg. 9)

• giving advice
• pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event
• criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren
• trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs
• unclear and indirect communication 

One last thing to think about how important cleaving to one’s spouse really is:

“The idea that good marriages are "found" is too prevalent in society. Rather, strong marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married and by what parents and siblings on both sides do to help support them. (Harper pg. 6)

Are you cleaving to your spouse? What are some changes you can make to show you have left your parents and are cleaving to your spouse? What things do you need to tell your parents and in laws that can help the cleaving process more successful in your marriage?



References:

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families."

Photo Credit: https://youngldsnewlywedadvice.blogspot.com/2016/02/they-are-in-laws-not-out-laws.html

Marital Unity

“Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (D&C 38:27)

What does it mean to “be one”?

Richard B. Miller taught, “Parents must be united in their leadership. It is important that parents work together in their leadership in the family. Sometimes a parent forms a coalition with a child against the other parent. Although usually unspoken, a parent undermines the other parent. It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children. If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an “executive session” without the children present. Children often try to play their parents off of each other. Consequently, it is important that parents make sure that they are working together and making decisions that are consistent with each other.” (pg. 2)

There can be many things that parents can differ on in their ideas. Discipline can be of them and even though it is one of the most important aspects that parents need to be united in, if they are not united it can cause much discord in marriages and families. For example, it one parent says it is okay for a child to do something and the other parent says it is not okay. I have an uncle that told his son he could not get his ear pierced. The next day his wife took their son and got his ear pierced. They disagreed as equal partners and instead of discussing the issue among themselves and coming to a solution, one partner defied the other partners will. Needless to say, their children all suffered from the lack of unity in the way they disciplined their children. My uncle and aunt eventually learned how to communicate better and supported each other and learned to become one in their parenting.

President Joseph F. Smith counselled, “Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect. The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children… The wife, also, should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic. She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him… Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home” (pg. 283–284).

President Spencer W. Kimball shared, “Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him” (pp. 340, 341).

Learning to become one takes effort, desire and communication in a marriage. It may mean stripping ourselves of pride, our own agendas and listening to our marriage partners views. Learning how to listen and compromise can be key in becoming one. Children need parents to be on the same page, to be firm in their ideals and discipline. Marriages and families will function greater when unity is realized in marriages. 

Think about your own marriage and areas that you need to be "one" in with your partner. Make an effort today to reach out, discuss and determine what changes need to be made so your family can function as a stronger, healthier unit.

References:

Kimball, Edward L. and Kimball, Spencer W. The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball. Deseret Book Company. 1982

Miller, Richard B. Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families. BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University. 2009

Smith, Joseph F. Gospel Doctrine. Deseret Book Company. 2002

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Marital Stewardship

 

What does marital stewardship look like in your marriage?

When people marry, they make covenants, vows, and promises to each other until “death do they part” or for all eternity. With these promises come responsibilities, commitments, and obligations to each other. Stewardship is about taking care of those responsibilities and commitments you made to your spouse. It is about fulfilling the promises that were made to each other. 

There are many areas of stewardship in marriage, but I will address two.

First, is the stewardship to love, honor and cherish one another. No one, or nothing else, should come between us. This includes people, things, careers, hobbies etc. “Neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.” (Kimball, 250)

Our love is to be for our spouses. We need to make sure that our hearts, emotionally, spiritually and physically are turned toward are spouse.

Here is a set of questions you can ask yourself to help understand what emotional fidelity in marriage looks like and to see where it could be easy to veer off onto forbidden paths that that lead away from your spouse: (Matheson, 13-16)

1.      “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”

2.      “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”

3.      “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”

4.      “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”

5.      “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”

6.      “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”

7.      “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”

8.      “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

If you answered yes to any of those questions, it is important to turn your heart completely back to your spouse and drop the “friend” who is keeping you from fulfilling your stewardship role in your marriage. It is important that there is honesty in our relationships, and that we take time to evaluate the areas we need to improve in. Having open and honest conversations with our spouse can help us overcome challenges and ensure happiness in our marriages.
                           

Second, is sexual fulfillment in marriage. President Spencer W. Kimball shared that “Divorces often occur over sex…If you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find that there are [many] reasons. Generally, sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in the court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason.” (329)

Why is this? One author has suggested that ignorance is the cause. He states, “A failure to understand your own body, your partner's responses, and the essential ingredients of a healthy sexual relationship quickly becomes a failure to find sexual satisfaction as a married couple. Problems in this area of a marriage relationship can severely impact couple communication and caring, and leads often to insecurity, anxiety, frustration, anger, emotional alienation, and even divorce.” (Brotherson, 3)

To be a good steward over your sexual fulfillment might mean each spouse takes responsibility to learn about their partners sexual needs, to communicate better with each other and to learn how to better meet each needs and desires. Gottman recounts in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: “So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are … indirect, imprecise, inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to end the conversation, hopeful that they will miraculously understand each other's desires without much talk … The problem is that the less clear you are about what you do and don't want, the less likely you are to get it. Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other and deepen your sense of intimacy. But when communication is fraught with tension, then frustration and hurt feelings too often result” (200-201). So, make conversations about sex direct, open, light, fun and informative. Make sure you are clear on what your partner needs from you and what you need from your partner.

To conclude sexual stewardship in marriage, “Think about your sexual relationship and how you have willingly improved or enhanced its quality as a marital steward, or whether you have avoided and ignored this aspect of your marital stewardship. What would you say if the Lord asked you to account for your efforts in this area? Have you been kind? Have you sought greater light and knowledge? Have you exercised patience and encouragement? Have you pursued answers in faith? These are all characteristics of a wise and caring steward. It may be helpful to write out your thoughts about your shared sexual stewardship in marriage.” (Brotherson, 6)

Marital stewardship can help couples turn their hearts toward each other and keep them there. Take care of each other, love and cherish each other and have fun together learning how to strengthen your love and fulfill each other in all ways.

References:

Brotherson, S.E. Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage.  Meridian Magazine. 2003.

Kimball, S. W. The Miracle of Forgiveness. Salt Lake City: Bookcraft. 1969.

Kimball, S. W. and Kimball, E. L. The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball. Deseret Company. 1982.

Matheson, K.W. Fidelity in marriage: It's more than you think. Ensign, Sept. 2009.

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6-Hours a Week to a Happier Marriage

The Magic Six Hours as shown in the diagram below, is a formula that Gottman developed from years of watching couples in his marriage studio. Following up on those same marriages years later, he made the discovery that the marriages who devoted at least 6 hours a week to doing the following, helped to manage stress and conflict in their marriages because they learned how to work together as a team.

What you do when you part for the day, see each other at the end of a day, how you offer appreciation and admiration for each, how you show affection for each other, how you communicate to each other, and spend time together on date nights, are things you can work on as couple every day/week to bring more harmony, love, appreciation, emotional closeness and fulfillment in your marriage. It only takes 6 hours a week! The six hours are even broken down for you in the above chart! We can all find 6 hours a week to create amazing relationships with our partners. For example, in my own marriage, my husband and I always send each other off with a hug and a kiss, receive each other after work with another hug and kiss and we use this as a check in with each other. We tell each other what we admire, appreciate and are grateful for each day. This keeps affection in our marriage alive and well. We make every Friday night our date night and we connect on an emotional level during our time together. It really is a simple 6 hours a week to a happier marriage!

H. Wallace Goddard’s approach to a healthy, happy marriage from his book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” is to always show love and kindness towards your spouse. He shares a quote from Marvin J. Ashton, who explains this principle well: "Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down." (Goddard 116)

Goddard talks a lot about having charity in our marriages. So, what does it look like in marriage? He shares that “Rather than re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weaknesses with our charity! God is serious about cultivating our charity. Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity. There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.”  (Goddard 126) 

A key to having charity in our marriages is our hearts. What shape are our hearts towards our spouse? Are we forgiving, kind, tolerant, and lovable, or critical, demanding, resentful and annoyed? Goddard continues by saying, “We should enjoy and appreciate our partners. We should forgive them of their humanness. The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners' characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!” (Goddard 127) We need to be “…moving from frustration and judgment to appreciation and love-to charity…” (Goddard 129)

We do this by looking for “good qualities and kind deeds” that our partner demonstrates. If we are only looking their imperfections, we lose sight of their goodness. He states, “Notice the good. Appreciate it.” (Goddard 130)

I would add to his statement the importance to focus on and share verbally, the things you appreciate and admire about your spouse, just like Gottman’s chart above encourages us to do.

Goddard shares that if we are struggling to have charity, which is unconditional love for our spouse, we need to “Pray with all the energy of heart for charity. Make it the desire of your heart.  According to the scriptures, we love Him because He first loved us (1 John 4: 19). The same can apply to marriage. Our partners will love us because we first love them. Love first. Don't wait to be loved. “(Goddard 130) Charity is the pure love of Christ and when we can love Jesus Christ, we can learn to love others too.

One last thought about charity and how it relates to marriages by Jimmy Townsend, who joked that "marriage teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, meekness and a great many other things you wouldn't need if you had stayed single. We need those qualities whether married or single, but marriage is God's finishing school for the godly soul. Marriage is ordained to stretch and refine us.” (Goddard 133-134)

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

H.W. Goddard. (2009). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Photo Credit: https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-hours-a-week-to-a-better-relationship/

A Consecrated Marriage

In the book, “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage”, H. Wallace Goddard shares


“In the early years of marriage, most of us are bothered by little habits and eccentricities in our partners. These things may not be wrong or bad, they are just different from our experience and preference. They can become a major irritation. As we become more spiritually mature, we are more likely to enjoy our partner as a total package” (p. 111).


In my post today I want to discuss how we can become more “spiritually mature” and set aside complaints against our partners and give our whole heart to them. This can be a difficult thing to do and it requires unconditional love, “basic acceptance of your partners’ personality and perspective” and making sure your “partner feels known and respected” (Gottman p.157). Another important key in making a happy life together is to “uncover and share with each other the significant personal dreams you have for your life (Gottman p. 141). To do this we need to ask this question, “what sacrifices are you willing to bring to the altar of your relationship?” (Goddard p. 111)


Abraham was willing to sacrifice his only son because the Lord required it of him. What are we willing to sacrifice? What does the Lord require of us in our marriage covenant?


Let’s talk about consecration and how it relates to the marriage covenant. Consecration is making something sacred. So, when we consecrate our marriages, we are making them sacred. This requires devotion and dedication to the Lord and to our marriage covenant. In essence, devoting and dedicating our lives to each other. Gottman, in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” states, “For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments…when you forgive your spouse, you both benefit. Bitterness is a heavy burden” (p. 159). Overlooking our spouse’s weaknesses and forgiving easily helps couples focus on helping each other in our journey here on earth to become better, more Christlike and charitable. Forgiveness shows acceptance, love and encouragement in relationships. We come from differing backgrounds before we marry and learning how to accept each others personality and perspective is allowing for growth in a marriage. We can learn how to accept influence from each other which leads to greater respect and devotion toward each other.


Some questions we can ask ourselves are:


“Do we bring our greatest generosity and richest forgiving to our marriages?”


“Do we offer our whole souls and our best efforts as an offering?”


“Do our partnerships get half-hearted, occasional efforts? “


“Our marriages are ideal places to practice the law of consecration.” (Goddard p. 108)


“Just as Isaac was willing to give his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, so we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls. (Goddard 103).


Remember “We are to lead our families by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness, kindness, and meekness, and by love unfeigned” (see D&C 121:41–42) which means we need to give our best efforts to making our marriages sacred.


I have a challenge to extend: (Goddard p. 111)
Can you for a whole month show only kindness, appreciation and admiration toward your spouse?
Can you leave out criticism, complaining and disappointments?
Can you focus only on the good intentions and best efforts of your spouse?


When you do this, you will becoming more spiritually mature as you learn to consecrate your best efforts toward building your marriage into the beautiful covenant marriage it was meant to be.



References


Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing


Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books


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Where is Pride in our Relationsips

How is pride detrimental to relationships, especially in marriage? This is a question I want to explore today. In the following quote, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves .....we discover that it is a hard thing to recognize pride in our own hearts. Perhaps it is the nature of man to strain to see the mote in our brother’s eye while struggling to squinting past the beam in our own eye. (see Matt. 7:3-5). Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride (Benson) and we can see how pride affects relationships because it is based on selfishness and it is all about me and not all about us. What does pride look like in marriage? Here are some things to think about and evaluate in our own relationships: (Goddard)

• Thinking your partner needs to be fixed because they are flawed in some way
• Focusing on our own needs and making our needs the priority in our marriage
• When we are “feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse” (p. 69)
• Thinking everyone else needs to change
• When you view marriage as only being a relationship that should bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction, and fulfillment to yourself
• When we have our own vision of truth and imagine that no one else can see this truth as clearly as we can
• When we feel we know our partners better than they know themselves
• When we are always innocent, and they are always guilty
• When we analyze and study past experiences looking for ways we were violated
• When “we continue to grieve over our injuries and rehearse our opponents' offences” (p. 74)
• Feeling there is no way to fix your marriage
• Going through “cycles of correction and paybacks” p. (78)
• Allowing concerns and irritations to turn into judgments
• When we leave no allowances for our partner
• When we have “narrow, trivial, superficial demands” that our partner should look, act and be what media says they should be (p. 82)

So, what do we do to rid pride from our relationships? President Benson has reminded us that “God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble.” (Benson)

He goes on to say, “Let us choose to be humble.” He gives us nine ways we can be humble:

1. We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are.
2. We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement.
3. We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us.
4. We can choose to humble ourselves by rendering selfless service.
5. We can choose to humble ourselves by going on missions and preaching the word that can humble others.
6. We can choose to humble ourselves by getting to the temple more frequently.
7. We can choose to humble ourselves by confessing and forsaking our sins and being born of God.
8. We can choose to humble ourselves by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives.
9. We must yield “to the enticing’s of the Holy Spirit,” put off the prideful “natural man,” become “a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord,” and become “as a child, submissive, meek, humble.”

By doing these things we can see our own flaws and start working on our own problems and leave our partners problems alone. When we work on fixing ourselves, we become humbler, more able to see our partners for who they really are, the person we fell in love with. Humility helps us love deeper, give more and expect less. We become grateful for our spouse and appreciate all they are and how they love us back. It gives us the ability to love deeper and to find more fulfillment in our relationships. It helps us realize the changes we need to make in ourselves and allows us to move forward in a happier way. I hope we can all focus on being humble, forgiving, more loving and grateful for our partners.

References

Benson, Ezra T. Beware Of Pride. Ensign, May 1989.

Goddard, H. W. Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. (2009). Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

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Making Bids In Marriage

Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

In marriages, couples are constantly making what Gottman calls “bids” for each other’s “attention, affection, humor, or support” (p 88). Bids are an attempt from one partner to another for a positive connection. They can be as simple as a smile, a touch, or asking for help or advice.

A couple examples of bids could be things like waking up with your spouse and rolling over to snuggle up to them, sharing how much you love waking up beside them every morning. Or it could be when you spouse asks you if you would like to go a walk with them. The way you answer the bid is by turning toward your spouse or turning away from them. In turning toward your spouse with the first example of waking up next to them, you could answer your spouse by pulling them in close and responding with words of affection. 

Turning away would look like quickly getting out of bed and not acknowledging the bid that was given to you because you are in a hurry to get a start to the day. Turning toward your spouse is an intentional act. Turning away can seem intentional, but most of the time the bid given is not understood or acknowledged. The goal is to be in tune with your spouse and watch for the bids and turn towards them. 

Couples who turn toward each other are connecting and attuning to each other which builds mutual trust in their relationship (Gottman 87) Gottman shares, “A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life… Real-life romance is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued…everyday” (p 88).

Some examples of things couples can do to turn toward their spouses are: (ideas taken from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-turn-towards-instead-of-away/ )

•  You are reading the paper over breakfast and your partner makes a passing comment about a meeting they have at work that day. Follow up on what they said (put down that paper!) and give them your attention for a minute.
• You are walking together, and you see that your partner looks cold. Stop into the nearest coffee shop and get them a warm beverage!
• Your partner is leaving to go somewhere. Tell them to come see you before they go. When they come to see you, give them a six-second kiss.
• You see that your partner looks stressed. Let them know you’ve noticed and ask them if they’d like to talk about what they are feeling.
• Your partner sends you a text message about something, anything. Send them one back that lets them know how irresistible they are to you.
• Compliment your partner about something they did. Compliment your partner about their appearance. Thank them for something they’ve recently done that you appreciate.
• Your partner is back from their errand and is doing some housework. Without saying a word, join in and start helping them.
• Your partner tells you that they are getting hungry. You tell them that you are too, and that you are going to take them out for dinner.
• Your partner and you are talking after dinner, and they say how much they miss going out and dancing like you used to back in the day. Agree and recommend that you go out right now and dance.
• Your partner is looking tired, but you are still having fun. You know that they have to be up early tomorrow to prepare for a meeting. Recommend that you go home so that they can get some rest.
• You are in the bedroom and things are getting hot. Light some candles and tell them that you want to re-discover their body for an hour.

Think of some of your own ideas for bids that are applicable to your relationship with your spouse. Along with giving bids, make sure to pay attention to the bids that you are given, as there is always an underlying message behind each bid that is given. Remember to turn toward your spouse! Your relationship will be filled with greater love, happiness, and intimacy.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

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